Million Bazillion: S5 E2 Manic Recession Script/Transcript 

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Cold Open:

 

(SFX: HORROR MOVIE MUSIC COMING THROUGH A TV)

 

BRIDGET: Ryan, what are you up to in here?

 

RYAN: Oh, hi Bridget, I’m just watching a scary movie.

 

BRIDGET: You’re supposed to be researching the history of international trade with Guatemala, not watching scary movies.

 

RYAN: I know. I’m just taking a break.

 

BRIDGET: Well let’s turn this off. You know if you watch scary movies too close to bedtime, you’re gonna have a hard time falling asleep.

 

RYAN: It’s 1pm. We’re in the office breakroom.

 

INTERN: Here’s your lunch order, Ryan.

 

RYAN: Thanks, Pete!

 

(SFX: SANDWICH TOSSED, RYAN CATCHES IT)

 

BRIDGET: There’s enough to worry about in REAL life, who needs a scary movie? I mean, have you seen all these news stories about people worried they’ll lose their jobs and inflation might never end? So, maybe just turn the movie off!…

 

RYAN: Wait a minute… do you not like scary movies?

 

BRIDGET: (DEFENSIVE) HUFF. No I… love scary movies. I can’t get enough of them. Just not right now. Not at work.

 

RYAN: Bridget. Do cinematic frights make you wanna turn on the lights?

 

BRIDGET: No. I’m not afraid of some silly scary movie!

 

RYAN: When a movie makes you fear, do you cover your ears- and run for clear?

 

BRIDGET: No!  Ghosts aren’t real- [VOICE CRACKS?]…the only thing I’m scared of are these rhymes.

 

RYAN: At the sight of a black cat, or a witch’s hat, do you say, “Enough of that!”

 

BRIDGET: Ok, stop Dr. Seussing me! You got me! I don’t like scary movies! But also, it’s time for the show!

 

(SFX: SCARY MOVIE SOUNDS LOUDER)

 

–Theme Music–

 

(SFX: SCARY MOVIE SOUNDS STILL IN BACKGROUND)

 

RYAN: Welcome back to Million Bazillion. I’m Ryan.

 

BRIDGET: I’m Bridget. And We Help Dollars Make More Sense. I’m gonna turn this movie off because it’s time to take a question, NOT because I’m scared.

 

RYAN: Oh how convenient.

 

(SFX: TV SHUTS OFF)

 

(AUDIO FROM THE QUESTION)

 

LULU:  Hi I’m Lulu and I live in Washington, DC, and I like Million Bazillion. My question is – what is depressions and recessions?

 

RYAN: This is a super good question, Lulu. I don’t know about depressions but a reception is like a little party, where sometimes people walk around serving food and drinks. All you have to do is wear a nice outfit and walk into a hotel event room with confidence, you almost never get stopped. And if you time it right, you can eat the reception hor d’oeuvres for dinner. It’s like getting a free dinner. And if someone calls you out for crashing a reception, you just go, “Oh, I must be at the wrong event!! This isn’t the 2nd floor? Oh sorry, I’m confused.” But by then, you’ve already stuffed your pockets with hor d’oeuvres! And what are they gonna do, check your pockets? It’s the perfect crime, Lulu!

 

BRIDGET [OVERLAP] No no, no.

 

BRIDGET: Ok, I’m not sure about that advice, but I think maybe Lulu’s question was about recessions, Recessions and [DEEP BREATH] depressions are when economic activity slows down. It’s kind of complicated to explain. HEY, you know what I’m thinking?

 

RYAN: What?

 

BRIDGET: I think the best place to answer Lulu from Washington DC’s question is in Washington DC at our favorite place, The Federal Reserve!

 

RYAN: [OVERLAPPING WITH BRIDGET ON SAME WORDS): Happyland!

 

RYAN cont: Awww, I knew you were gonna say the Federal Reserve! That’s your favorite place, not mine! Why don’t we ever get to go to MY favorite place, Happyland!?

 

BRIDGET:  Next time! I promise!  We learned way back in our episode about inflation, that the Federal Reserve or “The Fed” as cool people call it, helps keep an eye on our economy. They make sure it’s working the way it’s supposed to. The Fed becomes our first line of defense when things go wrong, like if people stop doing the economic stuff they normally do, such as right before or during a recession. So you know, for bigtime economics fan like me, it’s the coolest place!

 

RYAN: Ok, fine, we can go back to the Fed, but only if we can get those tater tots I like in the Fed cafeteria. No tater tots, no deal!

 

BRIDGET: Deal! Let’s take a little break and when we come back, we’ll be at the Federal Reserve, ready to learn more about recessions and depressions! Right after this.

 

–Asking Random Kids NOT SO Random Questions–

 

ANNOUNCER: And now it’s time for Asking Random Kids NOT SO Random Questions. Today’s question is: If there was an “economic” or “money” monster, what would it look like?

RANDOM KIDS: “I think it would start off like a baby fuzzy penny and it would be covered in money.” “Money with eyes as pennies and coin teeth.” “and then for the nose a nickel.” “Its whole body would be made out of money and bills“. “And it could probably just turn things into money too.” “It steals money because that’s what money monsters do.”

ANNOUNCER: That was Coralie and James in California, Mia and Aubrey in Minnesota, Esther in Atlanta, Bree in Illinois. This has been Asking Random Kids NOT SO Random Questions.

Part 1:

 

(SFX: INSIDE THE FED – CROWDED FOOTSTEPS ON MARBLE FLOOR)

(SFX: PHONES RINGING)

(SFX: VOICES – URGENT BUT LOW)

 

BRIDGET: Ok, here we are, back at the happiest place on earth, the Federal Reserve in Washington, DC!

 

RYAN:  Yipee! Let’s get those tots!

 

BRIDGET: The Federal Reserve is a great place to learn about how our economy is doing. The people here look at how we’re getting and spending our money. And all other sorts of economic activity, as they’d call it.

 

RYAN: Like what kind of activity?

 

BRIDGET: Well, let’s see…look over there, the Ther-JOB-eter Thermometer. (SFX SLIDE WHISTLE RISING) It tells us how many people who want a job, can get one.

 

FED EMPLOYEE 1: The Ther-JOB-eter Thermometer is rising! The economy’s getting red hot!

 

BRIDGET: Oh, and over there, the Back-Yard-Stick (ALT: HOUSING STARTS STICK ALT: GARAGE GAUGE). (SFX DOMINOS FALLING) It measures how many new homes people started to build in a month.

 

FED EMPLOYEE 2: 1 million four hundred and one, NO, 1 million four hundred and two, no, one million four hundred and–

 

BRIDGET: [GASP] Oh my stars, it’s the Feelings O Meter! It measures how we feel about the stuff we buy! (SFX: ANGRY RHINOCEROS TRUMPETING)

 

FED EMPLOYEE 3: I’m getting a lot of anger at the rising cost of childcare in the Quad Cities Corridor!

 

RYAN: The Fed measures how people feel? Why?

 

BRIDGET: You know that feeling when you have to buy something, but it’s too expensive? And it makes you feel bad?

 

RYAN: Yes! Like lactose-free milk, or health insurance.

 

BRIDGET: Well, the more scared people are about money, the less likely they might be to spend it. And this helps the Fed understand how well the economy is doing.

 

RYAN: What are they doing with all this information?

 

BRIDGET: Well, they’re reading it. And trying to get a feel for what the economy is like, out in the real world. And then every few months, they put out a big report, it’s called The Beige Book, because BEIGE is the MOST EXCITING color,  and let people read it–Ryan, are you sleeping with your eyes open?

 

RYAN: (SNORING, WAKES UP) Sorry, I heard the words Beige Book and immediately fell into a boredom nap. Where were we?

 

BRIDGET [EXASPERATED]: Look, long story short,the Fed keeps track of all this stuff because our economy is powered by people buying and selling stuff. If people stop doing that, well, that’s a recession.

 

(SFX: ELEVATOR DINGS)

 

BRIDGET: Hmm, is it me or did that elevator come out of nowhere? And it only goes to the basement. Weird. I have this feeling, I think we need to get in.

 

(MUX: EERIE MUSIC)

 

(SFX: ELEVATOR DOORS CLOSE, DING)

 

RYAN: This better go to the cafeteria level.

 

(SFX: ELEVATOR DING, DOORS OPEN. HOLLOW CAVERNOUS AMBI)

 

BRIDGET: Whoa. It’s cold down here in the basement. (A LITTLE SCARED)

 

RYAN: I can’t even smell any tater tots, are we totally lost?

 

BRIDGET: Yeah, these hallways are like a maze.

 

(SFX: SCARIER DRONES)

 

BRIDGET: I have the strangest feeling. What’s behind this door? I think I need to open it.

 

RYAN: Probably just a janitor’s closet–

 

(SFX: DOOR OPENS, ELECTRONIC HUM)

 

RYAN: Whoa! What is this?

 

BRIDGET: This looks like one of those glass cages they keep reptiles in at the zoo. Why would the Fed have this?  What’s that in the corner–

 

(SFX: SMACKING AGAINST GLASS)

 

RECESSION: (GHOSTLY, MANIACAL) Hee hee hee, It’s me, Recession!!!

 

BRIDGET: A recession?? You’re an actual real thing that talks??

 

RYAN: (SCARED) He looks like the Mucinex mucus blob but less cute!

 

(SFX: BEETLEJUICE-STLYE SPOOKY MISCHIEF MUSIC)

 

RECESSION: They keep me trapped here, deep in the basement of the Federal Reserve. But every now and then, when people start to be afraid that the good times won’t keep a’comin’,  I escape out into the world and make everyone’s worst fears come true! I just loooove to make the economy slow down! Now come on! Lemme out! Just say my name three times and release me!

 

BRIDGET: Uhhh, no way we’re gonna do that.

 

RYAN: Wow, who knew that a Recession was a little mischievous goblin ghost that lives in the basement of the Fed.

 

BRIDGET: It’s creepy and I don’t like it!

 

RECESSION:,Come now, there’s no reason to fear me! Our economy always has highs and lows. Recessions are a sort of normal part of our economic cycle. What are you afraid of? Boo!

 

BRIDGET: Ahhhh!

 

RECESSION: I’m just kidding!

 

BRIDGET: So, If you’re a “normal part” of our economy, then why would the Federal Reserve keep you down here, locked away??

 

RECESSION:  I have no idea, well except for maybe [QUICKLY] I can cause real problems for the personal finances of regular people and make it hard for them to find jobs or start a business or buy anything big [BACK TO NORMAL SPEED]

 

BRIDGET: SEE!

 

RECESSION: But, look, over time, the Federal Reserve has gotten so good at putting me back in the cage! During Covid, I was barely even out! And before that, it had been like,13 years! Can you imagine, I didn’t even know what an iPad was!  Oh how I wish I could come out and play again! If only someone could unlock this cage and set me free.

 

RYAN: (WHISPERING TO BRIDGET) Hmm, I feel sorta bad for the recession, Bridget. Maybe we should let it out for a little bit.

 

BRIDGET: (WHISPERING) What? No way we should let a recession loose! Do you know what happens during a recession? People lose their jobs, they have trouble finding another one, it gets harder to pay for the things you need, and no one knows when things are going to get better!

 

RYAN: But This Recession is practically Casper the Friendly Ghost. Besides, recessions happen all the time. They’re a perfectly normal part of the business bicycle.

 

BRIDGET: What? You mean the business cycle?

 

RYAN: Yes.

 

BRIDGET: No.  Recessions are nothing to take lightly. This is serious stuff. People can take years to recover from a recession! They can’t buy houses or save for retirement! It’s scary!

 

RECESSION: [SCARY WHISPERS] Be afraid! Be afraid! No matter what you do… I’m gonna break free anyway. Eventually!

 

BRIDGET: Recession, that’s terrifying!

 

RECESSION: Ooooooooo,  the more everyone’s talking about how afraid they are of me, the better chance I have of getting out! And then, I don’t need your help, or the help of some financial crisis, to break free at all.

 

RYAN: Oh!, I think I just realized something! If people are scared a recession might happen, they might stop spending money and start saving now. And that, kind of ironically, could CAUSE a recession! The fear of a recession can cause it to happen! Just like your fear drove you into this basement!

 

BRIDGET: Well, yeah, sure it can, I guess, because a recession is just a slowing down of economic activity, it might not mean that anything’s wrong with the economy–

 

RYAN:  OK, great, we learned our lesson for this episode. Let’s go find those tots. Enough “recession this”, “recession that”, “recession recession recession”- !

 

(SFX: TK NOISE, GLASS DOOR OPENS)

 

BRIDGET:  Ryan, What did you do??

 

RECESSION: [LAUGHING] That’s right, I’m Recession! Say my name thrice and pay the price!

 

RYAN: Oh no, what have I done??

 

RECESSION: Now you’ve released me into the world! Too bad, so sad! YEEEEEEEE!

 

(SFX: SLIMER-ESQUE CRASHING THROUGH DOOR SOUNDS, LIKE THE GHOST IS LEAVING)

 

(MUSIC: EERIE GHOSTBUSTERS STYLE SCORE)

 

RYAN: Oh no, I fell for the oldest trick in the book! I let a ghoul that’s really a metaphor for an economic event fool me into releasing it! And now it’s gonna slow down the whole economy! What are we gonna do?

 

(SFX: DISTANT SCREAMS AND FRIGHTENED YELPS, CAR ALARMS GOING OFF OUTSIDE)

 

RYAN: There’s gonna be a lot of scared people out there.

 

BRIDGET: And also me, I’m still scared.  But I KNOW there’s people here at the Fed who can help keep things under control. We gotta find them! After this.

 

 

-MIDROLL (CREDIT BREAK)-

 

Part 2:

 

(SFX: MARBLE HALLWAY AMBI, PANICKY CROWD COMMOTION)

 

BRIDGET: (DISTRESSED) Ok, welcome back to Million Bazillion. So we’re here at the Federal Reserve, trying to learn about recessions, and right before the break, we discovered that there was a Recession ghost or ghoul or something kept locked away in the building, and Ryan set the Recession ghost free, and now everyone’s panicking because the whole country is in a recession- great job, Ryan!

 

RYAN: That recession was going to happen anyway!

 

BRIDGET: No it wasn’t!

 

RYAN: At some point! In the future! Maybe, probably it would have!

 

BRIDGET: Ok, let’s be calm. This is the Federal Reserve, right? Someone here has to have a solution. (STOPPING SOMEONE) Excuse me, sir?  You must know how to fix a recession, right?

 

FED EMPLOYEE #1: Doomed! We’re all doomed! Doomed, I say!

 

BRIDGET: Ok, maybe not that guy. How ‘bout behind this door?

 

(SFX: DOOR KNOCK AND DOOR OPENING)

 

BRIDGET: Knock, knock. Excuse me, could we come in.

 

JAY POWELL: Why yes, step into my office. I’m Jay Powell, head of the Federal Reserve. I call the shots around this place.

 

RYAN: Wow, I can’t believe we got the real Fed chair, Jay Powell, to make a voice cameo on Million Bazillion!

 

JAY POWELL: Actually, to be clear, I’m just a voice actor playing Jay Powell. Not the real Jay Powell.

 

RYAN: Wow, yeah you sound so much cooler than the real Jay Powell probably.

 

BRIDGET: Ryan! Jay Powell is cool! So, Mr. Powell, a) Ok, so it’s like an honor to meet you. And b) We want to know, when a recession breaks out, like the one Ryan just caused- and by the way, I have nothing to do with, I remain blameless and pure in this- how does the Federal Reserve help get it under control?

 

JAY POWELL: This is a great question, Bridget.

 

BRIDGET: ( FLATTERED) You really think so?  I do read a lot about the econ-

 

JAY POWELL: We here at the Fed like to think of ourselves sorta like “Recession Crushers.” When economic activity slows down, causing a recession, one of the main things the Federal Reserve can do is adjust monetary policy to help add liquidity to the markets. [SFX CRICKETS]

 

BRIDGET: Uh, in other words, in a recession, if people are holding onto their dollars, The Fed  can make money less expensive to borrow.  They can give people reasons to spend it, rather than save it.

 

JAY POWELL: Yep, that’s another way of putting it.

 

RYAN: [INDIGNANT] And why sir, are you asking the American public, to spend their hard earned dollars, during a recession!?

 

JAY POWELL: Well it’s like this…picture a school dance.

 

RYAN: I never went to a “school dance”, but ok, I’ll try…

 

MUX: POP MUSIC FADE UP

SFX: HAPPY CROWD

 

JAY POWELL: If the economy were a school dance, the Fed would be like the DJ, playing the music, making sure the vibes are right, keeping people on the dance floor, getting everyone pumped up to get down, you know?

 

RYAN: Okeee, sure.

 

JAY POWELL: As the DJ, you hold the crowd in the palm of your hand, steadily raising the beat to 128 BPM, grooving perfectly with the human heart rate.

 

RYAN: Wow, you know a lot about DJ’ing, Jay Powell. Are you, like, a DJ on the weekends or something?

 

JAY POWELL: (DEFENSIVE) No.  [NERVOUS COUGH] What I’m saying is the job of the Fed is like the job of the DJ. To keep the crowd happy and as many people on the dance floor as possible.

MUX MUSIC SLOWS

SFX UNHAPPY SMALL CROWD

 

JAY POWELL: If the music slows and people are afraid to dance, that could be a total vibe killer.

 

RYAN: Well, we couldn’t have that.

 

JAY POWELL: So if we see people are leaving the dance floor, sitting along the sides, we’re going to pick some songs we KNOW will get everyone up, and ready to dance.

 

MUX: MUSIC SPEEDS UP

SFX: CROWD INCREASES

 

BRIDGET: Ok, good. Hopefully everyone knows how to dance. And this party trick will just solve it all? .

 

JAY POWELL: Yeah, we give people a reason to keep spending their money, to keep dancing- metaphorically speaking, of course.. Don’t worry, we got this.

 

RYAN: Hey, is this your hat? It says DJ Spinmeister. Are you DJ Spin Meister?

 

JAY POWELL: (DEFENSIVE) That’s not my hat. I don’t know how that hat got here.

 

RYAN: Jaaaaay, are you sure you aren’t DJ Spinmeister… maybe on the weekends?

 

JAY POWELL: (HUSHED) Ok, sometimes I DJ weddings and bar mitzvahs and stuff, but I keep that part of my life separate from the Fed stuff. Give me back my hat!

 

BRIDGET: Why can’t you just…make sure a recession never happens? Like how strong do we have to make the economy so that we never have to go through a recession?

 

JAY POWELL: A strong economy doesn’t mean recessions won’t ever happen. In our economy, people get to make their own choices about what to spend their money on. And they can decide not to spend it. Our job is to make sure the fundamentals of the economy are strong.

 

[SFX: FADE UP SOME RECESSION HAVOC FOR THIS BIT]

 

RYAN: Ooh boy, no one look outside, Recession is still out there and it’s positively WREAKING havoc!

 

BRIDGET: Ooh, it’s not looking good out there. Does a recession ever get so bad you need to call in other parts of the government to help?

 

JAY POWELL: Ehh, usually the fed can stop it in time. But when a recession gets real bad, we  might work with Congress and the President to create programs that help jumpstart the economy. Like do you remember the financial crisis of 2008?

 

RYAN: Hmm, barely, I was four.

 

JAY POWELL: Well, in 2008, we worked with the government to create TARP, or the Troubled Assets Relief Program, to help with the economy. TARP, sorta like a protective cover you put out to cover something on a rainy day. TARP like a tarp. It’s funny, see?

 

BRIDGET: (CACKLES BIG)

 

RYAN: (UNDER HIS BREATH) It’s not that funny.

 

BRIDGET: I think it’s funny.

 

JAY POWELL: Anyway, we thought it was a clever name. And it helped us from getting into a depression.

 

BRIDGET: Which reminds me- the other half of Lulu’s question was about depressions. What’s an economic depression and how is it different from a recession?

 

JAY POWELL: [LONG LOW WHISTLE] (SERIOUS) We don’t like to talk about those around here.. A depression is also a slowdown of economic activity but lasts for much longer. Most people have heard of The Great Depression. It lasted more than ten years and is the worst economic downturn in the history of the United States.

 

RYAN: Oh yeah, everytime I watch a movie that takes place during the Great Depression everyone looks all dusty and sad. But President Franklin Delano Roosevelt, he really lifted everyone’s spirits by saying, [IMITATES] “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself!” And that’s it. That’s all I know about the Depression.

 

JAY POWELL: It’s actually an interesting story, some of the things the Fed back then did to try to stop the Depression actually made things worse, uh, the details aren’t important, but we’ve promised we won’t do it again. Anyway, There’s no reason this current recession will turn into a depression, as long as we can capture it again… by the stroke of  midnight.

 

BRIDGET: Uh oh, it’s 11:59. We only have one minute to capture the recession before it turns into a depression!

 

JAY POWELL: Oh no. I probably shouldn’t have spent so much time talking to you two. My bad.

 

RYAN: Look out the window!

 

(SFX: SCARY GIANT MONSTER FOOTSTEPS CRUSHING THE CITY, PEOPLE SCREAMING, LIKE GODZILLA OR STAYPUFT MARSHMALLOW MAN VIBE)

 

MOVE HERE RECESSION: (DEEPER VOICE) Uggghhh. I don’t feel so good.

 

BRIDGET: Oh no, the recession has grown bigger and bigger!

 

FLEEING PERSON 1: [SCREAMING!] It just closed all the stores on my street!

 

FLEEING PERSON 2: [SCREAMING] I just lost my job!

 

FLEEING PERSON 1: [SCREAMING] I just lost my house!

 

FLEEING PERSON 3: [SCREAMING] No one’s buying and the factories are closing! Somebody do something!

 

BRIDGET: I think it’s almost a depression!

 

RECESSION: I’ve been out for too long. (VOICE PITCHING LOWER) I’m starting to feel less like a recession and more like a…

 

(SFX: GRANDFATHER CLOCK STRIKES)

(MUSIC: SCARY HORROR MOVIE)

 

RECESSION: (DEEP AND DEPRESSED) DEPRESSION!

 

(SFX: PEOPLE RUNNING AWAY, SCREAMING)

 

RECESSION  AS DEPRESSION: BANKRUPTCIES EVERYWHERE! ROAR! NO ONE HAS MONEY TO BUY ANYTHING!

 

RYAN: Oh brother, I really did it this time.

 

BRIDGET: Oh no, I’m so sorry, Jay Powell! This is my worst nightmare, coming to the Federal Reserve and embarrassing myself like this.

 

RYAN: Your worst fear isn’t thousands of people losing their jobs and homes and businesses closing?? Look, Bridget, remember, the only thing you have to fear, is fear itself… Franklin Delano Roosevelt.

 

BRIDGET: I know it’s Roosevelt! Ugh!

 

JAY POWELL: Don’t worry, Bridget. It’s time for me to bring out the Recession Crushers. Please welcome my Fed colleagues…

 

(MUSIC – NBA-STYLE  INTRODUCTION KNOCKOFF)

 

JAY POWELL: Michael Barr!

 

(SFX: CROWD GOES WILD),

 

MICHAEL BARR: Time to raise the Barr, everyone!

 

JAY POWELL:  Michelle Bowman!

 

(SFX: CROWD GOES WILD)

 

MICHELLE BOWMAN: Bow down to the Bowman?

 

JAY POWELL: Lisa Cook!

 

(SFX: CROWD GOES WILD)

 

LISA COOK: Can y’all smell what the Lisa is cooking?

 

JAY POWELL: Not to mention the heads of the twelve federal reserve banks, including Neel Kashkari and Austin Goolsbee! (SFX: CROWD GOES REALLY WILD)

 

AUSTIN GOOLSBEE: Goolsbee!

 

MICHELLE BOWMAN: It’s an honor to help put the Fed’s many tools to use to end this economic slowdown. From lowering interest rates, to… um… making the interest rates lower, there’s virtually nothing the Fed can’t do!

 

JAY POWELL: Ok, Recession Crushers, fire up your economy-adjusting proton packs, and let’s take this bad boy down.

 

(SFX: PROTON PACK LASER SOUNDS)

 

LISA COOK: It’s not working!

 

MICHAEL BARR: We don’t have enough power!

 

BRIDGET: Oh no! Is this Depression too big for the Fed to defeat?

 

RECESSION: Hahaha, you silly mortals! You think you can defeat an economic slowdown as slow as me?!?!? HAHAHAHAHA!

 

JAY POWELL: Ugh, I didn’t want to have to do this, but– hit it, Goolsbee!

 

(SFX: CLICK OF BOOMBOX PLAY BUTTON)

(MUSIC: APM LIBRARY LIVING LEGENDS C SCDV-0701 #39)

 

GOOLSBEE:

WHEN SPENDING SLOWS,

TO A CREEPY CRAWL

AND THE ECONOMY’S BAD,

WHO SHOULD YA CALL?

RECESSION CRUSHERS!

EWW-OHH

RECESSION CRUSHERS!

 

WHEN RECESSION’S KNOCKING

AT YOUR GATES

AND IT’S TIME TO LOWER

THOSE INTEREST RATES

WHO SHOULD YA CALL?

EWW-OHH RECESSION CRUSHERS!

RECESSION CRUSHERS!

 

(OVER THE MUSICAL BRIDGE)

 

JAY POWELL: Oh no, our song is very cool! But why isn’t it working?!

 

BRIDGET: ACK, I’m so afraid we’re never going to get out of this mess!

 

RYAN: Bridget! Maybe  you’re the one with the power to defeat the depression!

 

BRIDGET: Me?

 

RYAN: Yeah, the depression feeds off fear and you’re afraid enough for all of us combined! Let go and don’t worry.  (MIX MUSIC UNDERNEATH) Remember, the only thing we have to fear is fear itself! If you let go of your fear, maybe the depression will lose some of its power! It’s worth a shot.

 

BRIDGET: Ok, I’ll try. (DEEP BREATH)

 

(SFX: COMMOTION DIES DOWN TO A SERENE OCEAN SOUND)

 

BRIDGET: Breathe in. Breathe out. It’s just the natural flow of the economy. The Fed has tools to fix this…

(SFX: SNAP BACK TO COMMOTION)

 

JAY: It’s working! The recession is losing it’s power. Alright team, fire up your interest rate lowering tools!

 

(SFX: GHOSTBUSTER PROTON PACK STYLE SFX)

 

LISA COOK: (LIKE LIMBO SONG) How low can these interest rates go?

 

RECESSION: (GROANS, BECOMES HIGHER PITCHED) Ahhhhh, I’m beginning to feel less and less like a depression! I’m more like a recession and a weak one at that!

 

BRIDGET: Wow, The Depression is shrinking to a tiny size.

 

RECESSION: I’m shrinking! (VOICE GETTING HIGHER PITCHED) I’m shriiiiiiiiinking!

 

(SINGS)

IF YOU WANNA CAUSE TROUBLE

YOU BETTER HAVE THE NERVE

TO TANGLE WITH TEAM

AT THE FEDERAL RESERVE

RECESSION CRUSHERS!

EWW-OHHH

RECESSION CRUSHERS!

(SPOKEN SASSY)

We ain’t afraid of this recession.

 

JAY POWELL: Quick, open the trap and let’s bag this sucker!

 

(SFX: “GHOST TRAP” SHUTTING ALA GHOSTBUST   ERS)

 

MICHELLE BOWMAN: We got it!

 

BRIDGET: The recession ghost has been shrunk down and captured in a little trap.

 

MICHELLE BOWMAN: And we’re gonna put it back in its cage where it belongs.

 

JAY POWELL: Wow, another recession- or should I say, depression- stopped by the Fed just in time. And we couldn’t have done it without you, Bridget.

 

BRIDGET: Aww, thanks.

 

RYAN: And me too, of course.

 

JAY POWELL:  Um, actually, you were sorta the reason this whole thing happened.

 

RYAN: Now, now, Jay Powell, no need to point fingers. Let’s take a break and come  back with the last little part of the show.

 

BRIDGET: Hi, Mr. Powell, before we leave, think you could sign my Beige Book?

 

JAY POWELL: Oh of course, (WRITING) “Bridget. Have a great summer… DJ SpinMeister.”

-mini-seg-

ARIA: Hi my name is Aria from Virgina. And today’s money joke is: how do dinosaurs pay their bills? With tyrannosaurus checks. Why did the man put his money in the freezer? Because he wanted cold hard cash. Bye!

Part 3:

 

(SFX: ELECTRONIC HUM OF GHOST CAGE)

 

BRIDGET: Ok, welcome back. We’re back in the basement of the Fed, where Recession has been returned to its cage, hopefully for a long time.

 

RECESSION: Sorry I got a little out of hand out there. When I break free, sometimes I get too excited and want to become a Depression. I promise never to do that again. Even if I were to be set free right now, I’d behave myself.

 

RYAN: (TOUCHED) Awww, let’s let the Recession loose again.

 

BRIDGET: Ryan! No! Did you not remember what just happened?

 

RYAN: Ooohhh yeah. Sorry, Recession. You gotta go away for a while.

 

BRIDGET: Well, did we answer Lulu’s question? What did we learn about recessions and depressions today?

 

RYAN: Well, we learned that recessions WILL happen from time to time. If you’re listening to this show, you’ll probably live through a fair number of them in your lifetime, maybe you’ve already experienced a few. They can be scary for the families that have to go through them. But the thing about recessions is that they do come to an end. And lucky for us, Depressions, which are really long recessions, rarely ever happen, like not in my lifetime of 19 years.

 

BRIDGET: We never know what might kick off the next recession. It could be a financial crisis or…fear itself. And hey, you know me, I’m still gonna say you should be prepared for surprise money problems that come your way. But you can save money for a future surprise, WITHOUT worrying too much about a looming recession. It’s kind of a lesson for all of us, really.

 

RYAN: And especially you.

 

RECESSION: Yessssss. And I agree it’s not healthy to worry about me. So why not let me go free and we can all hang out together and roast marshmallows-

 

RYAN: Recession, recession, re–

 

BRIDGET: Ryan!

 

–Theme Music-

 

Credits

 

BRIDGET: Thanks for listening to this episode of Million Bazillion! If you have a question you want answered, please send it to us at our website, marketplace.org/million.

RYAN: Also at our website, you can sign up for our email newsletter. Get an email every time we have a new episode AND some smart conversation starters for after you listen. Next week is all about tipping, you won’t want to miss it!

BRIDGET: But for this episode, all about recessions and depressions, we want to thank Kai Ryssdal for his help in making sure we got this episode right.

RYAN: Million Bazillion is brought to you by Marketplace, from American Public Media. This episode was written and hosted by (me,) Ryan Perez. Bridget Bodnar is my co-host and the director of podcasts at Marketplace.

BRIDGET: This episode was also voiced by: Kimberly Adams, Mitchell Hartman, Lily Jamali, Drew Jostad, Meghan McCarty Carino, Dylan Miettinen, Jeff Peters, Kai Ryssdal, and Bekah Wineman.

RYAN: Jasmine Romero is our editor. Courtney Bergsieker is our producer. Nilou Shahbandi is our digital producer. Our sound designer is Chris Julin. Bekah Wineman mixed this episode.

BRIDGET: Our theme music was created by Wonderly. Francesca Levy is the Executive Director of Digital at Marketplace. Neal Scarbrough is the VP and General Manager.

RYAN: Million Bazillion is funded in part by the Sy Syms Foundation, partnering with organizations and people working for a better and more just future since 1985. And special thanks to The Ranzetta Family Charitable Fund and Next Gen Personal Finance for providing the start-up funding for this podcast, and continuing to support Marketplace in our work to make younger audiences smarter about the economy.

BRIDGET: If Million Bazillion is helping your family have important conversations about money, consider making a one-time donation today at marketplace.org/givemillion, and thanks for your support.